Your caption is technically fine and totally forgettable. The problem is rhythm.

Your caption is technically fine and totally forgettable. The problem is rhythm.

Tune it like a drummer:

— Vary line length on purpose. Long, long, short. The short line lands.
— Read it aloud and mark where you breathe. Put line breaks there, not where grammar says.
— Never three same-length sentences in a row. Monotony reads as flat.
— End on the shortest line. The last word should hit like a door closing.

Copy without rhythm is just information, and information gets skimmed.

Fight me.